Journal 2 February 11

February 11, 2010
It has been one since I last talked with my practicum supervisor.  The meeting was good but not complete.  It was not the fault of Mary - it was my sporadic schedule.  I didnt have time to really sit down on parent teacher conference day as I have in the past.  This year I was asked to sit in on many of the meetings and even forgot one of the meetings I had set up the prior week to discuss a behavior plan on one of the students on my caseload. That was a wake up call to how busy I have actually been this year.  I have noticed that I don't have time to sit and make out IEP's like I did last year, but I really didn't make the connection before that day.  Before teachers didn't want me there or didn't think about the importance of my input.  This year teachers whom I work with closely called me about all my kiddo's and even some with whom I work closely with but are not on my caseload. 
To top that off I have been grappling with some of the requirements of my job that I would love to say I am great at - but let's be honest!  I worked as  a kindergarten teacher for five years before transferring over to special education and I really had a handle on teaching sounds, stretching out sounds, concepts of prints, rhyming words, beginning words, making meaning, making connections and managing difficult behaviors.  I felt that I would make  a good addition to any team!  I felt good about what I was able to do and my knowledge base.  Plus I was ready to move on.  I didn't know that I had a supportive team that when they saw a person's weakness the IC's would work together to give you just enough information with encouragement that you would come out on top every time!  I didn't know that I would spend a year out treading water without a lifeboat:)  I found that a team of encouraging yet stern people out weighs personal growth options every time.  The past two years I have been told to teach guided reading, but not to teach guided reading and now I am being told to teach guided reading again.  Now, I have actually been given some information and some suggestions on areas to improve but we are in February!  By the time I feel like I have an understanding of the process I will be saying good bye to this years students!  I feel like the understanding will never be there and depression begins to set in.  Especially with the ever increasing behaviors and meetings and requirements as the list grows so does my stress level and down goes the self image.  I know that I am a good teacher but I do not have the self confidence to actually trust that the guided reading issue will soon dissolve itself and the abilities will soon increase.  I will begin to feel that I have a handle on the pressures of this job, but when will that happen?